Last week a friend shared a post on Facebook written by freelance journalist, Mariska Nanni. The piece, published by Maroela Media under the title, “Nou wanneer kom die baba?” brought back a lot of memories…
…Schalk and I luckily never had to go down the IVF route, but it was the year 2006, my mom was dying, and we had been trying desperately to conceive for a few months. At that point, the doctors had stopped all chemo treatment and mom was visiting us on our Bonniebraes farm near Lothair.
On the evening before her return to Pretoria to face the verdict of her terminal illness, Schalk was at a meeting and mom and I were all cuddled up in front of the television watching the movie “Braveheart”. Even then, sthough her body was frail and her breathing extremely difficult, she was so calm and strong. We all knew it would be her last time there, but what we hadn`t known at that point is that I WAS indeed expecting Eswee…
I only discovered it a week later when mom was already in the hospice. I am so thankful that she had the privilege of at least knowing for one whole week that she would be a granny before we said goodbye…
Famous singer Celine Dion, who went down the IVF route six consecutive times, recently said: “People talk about the miracle of birth, but they forget the miracle of conception…” I cannot imagine the star`s challenging journey with five failed IVF attempts, but any couple who has ever tried to conceive will tell you: what starts out as a dream becomes a project that`s all consuming – everywhere you look, women are pregnant. Every song on the radio seems like it`s about expecting mothers, and every month that passes with no double blue lines is a heart-breaking disappointment all over again.
So yes, dear aunties, uncles, parents, friends and strangers who insist on asking someone the barbed question: “When are you having kids?” Don`t. Perhaps her world is crumbling right now from struggling to get pregnant. She doesn`t need to be reminded of the empty spot in her life. Perhaps she`s not truly ready to have a baby. Perhaps she doesn`t have the finances in place to raise a child. Perhaps she doesn`t even want to bring a child into this overpopulated world. Or perhaps she could even be going through the process of fertility treatment. The day you asked her that question could have been the day all her hopes were washed away, yet again, by a flow of blood…
People`s reproductive and proactive plans are none of your business. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Before you ask the married couple that has been together for seemingly forever when they are finally going to start a family…before you ask a single 30-something when she is having children because, you know, the biological clock is ticking…just stop. Please.
You don`t know who is struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage or dealing with health issues. You don`t know who is having relationships problems or is under a lot of stress or the timing is just not right. You don`t know who has decided it`s not for them right now, or ever.
Did you know that 20% of the population in South Africa has fertility problems? That`s one in every six couples! So, let`s not ask. Let`s ask someone what they are excited about right now, what the best part of their day was, or else let`s just talk about the weather!
Seeing that we are on the topic of taboo questions, here are a few more to avoid. Like, forever!
Before I lose the attention of my male readers, we have figured out the four things we should never ask you guys. Questions that would explode into an argument if you don`t answer correctly:
- What are you thinking?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat in this?
- Do you think she`s pretty?
And the taboo questions for women? How much time do you have?
“When are you going to have the next one?” One in five women have miscarriages, so let`s not go there…(I never had to face THAT question, haha, because when Eswee was born, we decided not to use any birth-control measures in the light of our “struggle” to conceive the first time around. So, when Eswee was three months old, tadaaa! Mariné was born nine months later, which explains why they are so often mistaken for twins). Which also brings me to the next question I have often faced in 2008. Please not ask a woman:
“Are you pregnant AGAIN?!!! Dot. Dot. Dot.
But…the most dreaded question of them all:
“When is the baby due…?”
Unless you need to know for medical reasons (you are a paramedic, an x-ray technician etc) or a woman`s water has just broken on your shoes, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask ANY woman if she is pregnant!
If she`s not, you`ve just deeply insulted her. She may simply have eaten a big Steers burger. She may be bloated. She may have picked up a few pounds. She needs no reminder!
And if she IS pregnant, she may not be making it public yet. We all know how television presenter Ellen deGeneres came under fire recently for misconduct. Only days ago, pop star Mariah Carey revealed that she felt “extremely uncomfortable” during her appearance on Ellen`s show in 2008 after the host insisted on her disclosing her pregnancy. The host presented Carey with a glass of champagne, and when the singer refused the drink, Ellen announced, “You`re pregnant.” Carey later suffered a miscarriage…
(Forgive this insert for our Challenge members, I`m just keeping them on their toes. If you WhatsApp the words “Don`t ask. Just love” to Mirna before 20.00 tonight, you`ll receive an extra session)
…Back to the taboo questions:
Never ask a woman “Are you tired?”, “Is it that time of month?”, “What is your natural hair colour?” She hears, “You look terrible”.
Never ask a woman “How do you do it all?” She hears, “Your life looks so perfect. You have it all together…right?” OF COURSE, WE DON`T DO IT ALL, what kind of question is that?!
Never ask a woman “What do you do all day?” She hears, “Damn, your life looks so boring.”
Never ask a woman, “Aren`t you too old for that? Yes ouch, please don`t judge our accomplishments, goals or choices based on our age. In fact, any question circling around our age deserves a big FAT pass.
Never ask a woman, “Should you be drinking or eating that?” She hears the noisy static of judgment. MIND YOUR BUSINESS AROUND MY FOOD…☺
Never ask a woman, “Did you gain some weight?” NEVER, EVER. Forbidden question, full stop. The rule is simple: you can talk about her appearance either with a laudatory intonation, or don`t talk at all.
And, then. Never ask a woman. “You`ve lost weight, are you okay?” “Do you ever eat anything?” “Where does it all go?” “Are you eating enough?” “How much did it cost to get your body like that?” “And you scare you`ll get blown away?” Sigh. Say no more.
Bette Midler once said: “If you know what women want, you can rule”. Maybe the secret lies in less asking, more being. Just being. As Paulo Coelho once said: “Love simply is…love and don`t ask too many questions. Just love…”
Yours in fitness
Mirna
082 779 0507