I SEE YOU

“I see you”, Jake says to the tall, blue-skinned woman, Neytiri, in the epic 2009 sci-fi movie “Avatar”.  Have you seen it?  And did you know that the Zulu phrase “Sawu bona” also literally is defined as “I see you.”?  And when you reply with “Sikhona”, you actually say “I am here…”

This whole “I see you”, acknowledge you, appreciate you-business has always been a huge thing for me.  Yes, partly for sure because I AM a middle child – apparently the need for attention is a very common symptom of the middle child syndrome. They become extremely demanding and always want people’s attention, especially their parents.  Sigh.

I guess that’s the reason why the powerful combination of the two words thank you has always been so important to me – to say thank you, to say it often and to say it with meaning… And although I have been a real pain in the butt when it comes to thank yous  (yeah, I even feel you should choose your thank you emoji’s with care) , I’m convinced one day Eswee and Mariné will say – Mom was right – giving thanks is not only good for the soul, it’s a small moment with huge ripples…

…In four weeks from now we are hosting our annual end-of-the-year-function – an event where I will have the opportunity to honour my members for their achievements, qualities and contributions.  But to me it’s about much more than that – on that evening it’s my way of saying that each one matters, that I care that they are there, that I appreciate, validate, accept, know, hear.  And SEE them.

I see you – a connection beyond seeing with the eyes.  What does it really mean?

Until you see me – I do not exist.  When you see me, you bring me into existence.  Silly?  Oh no, feeling seen is a human need, middle child or not.  It’s right up there with food, water and shelter in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  Remember how your toddlers used to yell: “Mommy! Mommy!  Watch me! Watch me!”, as they were riding their bikes, diving into the pool or jumping on the trampoline?” 

According to psychologists this desire to be seen echoes in every human heart, young AND old.  We all want to be acknowledged…

Not just noticed.

Not just looked at.

Not just listened to.

SEEN.

As Hannah Kent writes in her novel “The good people”: “How frightened we are of being known, and yet how desperately we long for it.”  We sometimes look at the introverts hiding in the back and think that they prefer to be invisible…we tend to forget that still waters run deep.  Everyone wants to feel seen. 

We also are sometimes blindly led to believe that the need to be seen grows from the need to stroke our own ego.  It really doesn’t.  Yes, our ego is a force of its own, but the need to be seen simply stems from our innate human need to contribute.  To help.  To bring something to the table. 

We all want to love.  And be loved.  To belong.  To be heard.  To be understood.  To be appreciated.  To be SEEN.  Why?  Because we can only really make a difference when we know our existence matters. 

In the 2004 movie, “Shall we dance”, Susan Sarandon’s character asks Richard Jenkins: “Why is it that we get married?”  He says, “Passion!”.  To which she replies, “No, it’s because we need a witness to our lives.  One that will say, “Your life will not go unnoticed.”

And yet, there’s an important other side to the whole I see you-theory…American research professor and public speaker Brene Brown says: “You either walk inside your story and own it or stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness…”

You see, here’s the thing – no matter how much applause you get from the outside world, no matter how many followers you have on Instagram – it will never be enough while you’re choosing to put your self-worth in the hands of other people.  Until you start SEEING YOURSELF, you will never be enough on your own.

How do you do that?  See yourself?  In “Psychology today”, Leon Seltzer, PhD, says: “You begin by acknowledging yourself.  By saying it is good that you exist.”  This world needs who you are.  It needs your gifts.  Your frailties.  Your fears.  Your love.  The world is better because you exist.

Just listen how beautifully the German philosopher, Josef Pieper, explains this in his book “About love”: “Man can only accept himself if he is accepted by another.  He needs the other’s presence, saying to him, with more than words: it is good that you exist.  Only from the You can the I come into itself.  Those who are unloved cannot even love themselves.  But we should always remember that human acceptance is fragile.  Ultimately, we need a sense of being accepted unconditionally.  Only if I accept that God accepts me, do I know definitely – it is good that I exist.”

Don’t spend your entire life looking outside of yourself for proof that you are worthy.  All those things you’re looking to others to give you, start giving them to yourself.  Stop caring so much whether other people see you and start seeing yourself.  Approve of yourself.  Validate yourself.

There will always be someone who can’t see your worth.  Don’t let it be you…

Believe that YOU ARE NOT HERE TO HIDE.  DON’T LET US LOOK RIGHT THROUGH YOU.  TAKE UP ALL THE SPACE YOU NEED, AND BE SEEN.

And THEN, when you SEE yourself, you can make others feel seen…How?  By making eye contact and listening with undivided attention – because we look with our eyes but SEEING is something you do with your heart.

When I see you, really see you, I’m letting you know that I care that you’re there.  When you see me, really see me, you’re letting me know that you care that I’m okay.

Be the person who sees others, who will remember how you made them feel – as Maya Angelou once reflected.  Because sometimes in the quest for our own happiness, we forget that our own joy can very much come from making someone else FEEL SEEN.

And that is, after all, the easiest way to be seen ourselves…

Yours in fitness

Mirna

082 779 0507